What Happened to Jeeves?

All through out my school years my mom worked nights and so was unable to help me with my homework. Asking my dad for help would usually result in being called stupid and getting yelled at and so I relied on the internet for help. Whenever I was confused about something I would go to askjeeves.com and I would always get the answer to my problem without having to endure any verbal abuse. It seemed that Jeeves knew everything...maybe even too much. Because now the beloved balding butler who dedicated his life to helping others has gone missing. I've asked around and searched wide and far, but have had no luck. My only lead is a television commercial that's been on lately, advertising a Dexknows.com. I have a hunch that this Dex had something to do with Jeeves' dissapearance and might even know where he is. I wrote a letter to the cast of Criminal Minds hoping that they would be willing to help me track down this Dex person, but so far I've recieved no reply. All I know for certain is that our beloved Jeeves is still alive somewhere. Someone with that much knowledge would be of no use dead. It's probable he is being held prisoner by Dex somewhere to be tortured and interrogated for all the information he knows and then when Dex is done Jeeves will be silenced forever. Please don't let this happen and help me in the search for our beloved Jeeves. Feel free to contact me with any information you may have, operaters are standing by 24 hours a day on our hotline 555-S-A-V-E-J-E-E-V-E-S. We may not know where he is being held, but we do know who does. DEX KNOWS!!!

I'm Definitely Not in New York Anymore.

The other day I got up early to try out my new mountain bike in Waterton Canyon, which is an eight mile stretch of dirt and gravel road that leads you alongside a river to a dam at the end. About six miles in, I heard a cascading of rocks falling from the mountain on my right and upon looking up I saw a mountain goat. Now we've all seen mountain goats at the zoo and they seem harmless and cute, but I've discovered that in the wild they are totally different animals. This mountain goat had more muscle than Arnold Schwartzneggar in his prime and was by far the biggest I have ever seen. Now most people would've kept on biking, but if you've been reading my blog so far you've probably realized that I'm not most people. I decided that this was a great picture opportunity and stopped to photograph the giant as it slowly made it's way down the mountainside. Then, when it was off the rocks and on the dirt road with me, ignoring all common sense, I continued to photograph the mountain goat. I guess I have a bit of the Crocodile Hunter's spirit inside of me, because I just couldn't look away from the animal and kept hearing the late Steve Irwin's voice in my head saying, "That's a beautiful animal." A few seconds later though, when the steroid pumped mountain goat lowered it's horns and started to charge, I heard Steve Irwin's voice again, but this time he was saying, "Danger-danger-danger!"

At this point my self preservation instincts finally kicked in and I ditched my bike and backpack and ran for my life. It's amazing how your mind races with so many thoughts when you think you are about to die. As I was running I realized that although I can out-run most people, I am no match for a large mammal with four legs. I also realized that I was being chased towards the edge of a cliff with a fifty foot drop and jagged rocks below. I remember thinking to myself that this was going to be a really crappy way to die. I mean people who die in other ways like cancer or old age are remembered not for how they died, but for how they lived. They're remembered with fond memories of Christmas's and birthdays and the good things they did in life. I would be remembered as the dumbass who photographed his own death. The pictures would probably end up in the paper, and then featured on Spike tv's, "When Animals Attack", somewhere in between a Herbal Essence and a Geico commercial. These were the thoughts buzzing through my head as I turned around and screamed, charging like a lunatic towards the mountain goat. Luckily for me, my bluff payed off and the goat ran away. I watched as it stopped about two hundred yards from me, picked up my backpack and proceeded up the mountain with it. I had to follow it for about ten minutes until it lost interest in my backpack and dropped it in the bushes. Upon retrieving my backpack I returned to the path, got on my bike and pedaled home, happy that I would live to see another day and hoping that many, many years from now I will be able to die a more dignified death, preferably not involving some four legged creature.

Billy Mays is Dead

Billy Mays is dead. Now while relaxing in my bed and watching tv after a long day of work I no longer need to worry about some pudgy, unshaven crackpot appearing in a commercial and yelling his head off. I wouldn't mind so much except for the fact that his commercials were always ten times louder than the one's before and his yelling would wake my girlfriend up, who in turn would yell at me that the tv was too loud. When I was growing up in my parents house my dad would yell a lot and so, late at night after Billy Mays and my girlfriend were done yelling at me I would drift asleep and dream about good times gone by. Good times like learning to tie my shoes, to tell time, and of doing homework with my dad standing over my shoulder all the while yelling how I couldn't possibly be that dumb. After these dreams I would awaken, usually at 3am or so, to stand by a window awaiting the sunrise, and for it's light to push these dark thoughts from my mind. It's amazing how one idiot and a household cleaning product can cause a person so many bad memories and so much grief. At times I've wondered why the man was always yelling. Maybe his personal supply of oxiclean were really containers filled with cocaine which he would snort before each commercial. Maybe he suffered from erectile dysfunction and he yelled to release his frustration. I realize Michael Jackson recently died and that's been all over the news, but he never really bothered me or affected my sleep. He kept to himself, quietly molesting little boys, in the middle of hundreds of acres of privately owned land where no one could hear there screams, and paid the parents to keep things quiet. Billy Mays on the other hand did not believe in being quiet, he believed in yelling and costing me many sleepless nights. But finally that's all over. At least that's what I thought until he came on the tv last night, yelling his head off about this great new health insurance company. Of all things for him to be advertising posthumous, health insurance! I consider myself to be a very twisted individual and even I think that is messed up and also, I would think bad publicity for the health insurance company. I mean they obviously didn't do him any good!

The Old Wise Man

Ever since I moved to Colorado two months back I've made it part of my daily routine to drive to Clement Park, which is only a few miles from my apartment, to get some exercise. The park has a beautiful lake and a 1.4 mile long sidewalk encompassing it which I like to run and roller blade around every morning. This morning I got up earlier than usual at 4:30 and went to the lake. I began running, my feet slapping the pavement, startling geese that flew with a splash into the still water of the lake. A rabbit, it's mouth full of grass, hopped off into the bushes as I breezed by, contemplating the errands I had to run today. About half way around the lake I saw an elderly man sitting quietly on a bench at the edge of the lake. I would've ran right past him without seeing him if he hadn't turned his head upon hearing me. He looked at me for a brief second or so and, realizing that I was just someone out for exercise and not some hoodlum up to no good, he went back to gazing out at the lake. The sight of the elderly man made me pause and I stopped running and planning the days errands. I stood quietly for a long while behind him and, while watching the sunrise I reflected on a poem I once read:


Leisure

What is this life, if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrel hide their nuts in the grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Stream full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn, at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.


William Henry Davies


I think the man has a good point...don't you?

Samantha's on her Period Again

I recently moved from New York to Colorado and I rely heavily on my GPS to keep me from getting lost. Samantha is the voice I use in my GPS to tell me when and where to turn and yesterday she was having her period. I say this, because whilst driving into Denver to apply for a job, she kept telling me to turn the wrong way down one-way streets, the first time of which I barely avoided my life ending by a head-on crash with a metro bus. I was instantly reminded of the Terminator movies and wondered if this was one of "Sky Nets" plans to kill off all humans. After scolding Samantha for trying to kill me and swearing at her every time she told me to go the wrong way, I eventually arrived at my destination, which turned out to be a waste of time since the manager told me they are only accepting applications online. On returning to my car I turned Samantha on and programmed her to take me home. She gave me the silent treatment, pretending not to have a signal, leaving me to drive in circles in the less civilized parts of Denver. I apologized to her profusely over and over, promising never to curse at her again and to compliment her more. Eventually, after twenty minutes or so of silence, she forgave me, cheerfully telling me the rights and lefts I needed to take to get home. Most of the time Samantha is good to me, but one week every month when she starts to get moody I have to hook her up to my PC for routine maintenance...and sometimes I even buy her chocolate.